I know these thoughts make you think: That is a lot easier to say than to do. I agree with you most of the teachings of the Bible are easier to talk about than to live day to day. On the Sunday that I talked with my church about this game was a weird day. I gave the talk just like you read above and then I stood in front of everyone and asked them to take the score sheet and tear it up. I held an actual score sheet from the game in my hands and slowly tore it apart in front of them. I mean slowly, real slowly you know the kind of slow I was taught to use in Pulpit Speech in college. Slow so everyone really understood the importance of giving forgiveness to someone. It was an amazing moment. People were shocked, maybe even moved. In “preacher talk” I hit a homerun. Bang, I started my home run trout when God threw one “High and tight” at my head.
Then something happened. At our church right after the talk we take the offering. Usually they come forward we pray and then they collect the offering. As I sat down on the front pew, I looked on the ground. There in a wonderful pile laid the Clue scorecard torn to pieces a symbol of my speaking ability. I was looking at them thinking the sermon was over and God had done his work. Out of nowhere this voice, when I say voice I don’t mean the roof opened and a light shone and time froze, I mean a voice that spoke to my heart. Quietly says: “What about Bill?” Yeah I’ve seen the movie, “What About Bob?” It was not that at all. Bill was my stepfather and I hated him. It was a long life with Bill and memories of pain and struggle. My scorecard was marked up, tear stained and prayed over time and time again. Aren’t you a pastor like one of the guys who doesn’t have those kinds of thoughts? Well hate to break it to you, but those thoughts run through my head from time to time. God’s grace keeps me from following through on them. It was a moment where I asked God: “What do you mean? Bill? I was doing the talking, not you? This is about them not me. You need to stop before you start something neither one of us will enjoy.”
But there it was. God speaking to me and telling me that I can’t talk about something I won’t offer to someone else. Forgive what had been done to me, my family, but more than that my mom. It had brought the anger that lingered under the surface right back front and center. I had spent a couple of years hating him for a new reason. I wasn’t ready to forgive and forget. But, a powerful word, God came after me. He pushed me to do what I challenged the people in our church to do that day. I was mad. I was really not happy with God at the time. He called me out to be a picture of what I wanted for the people in our church. Those torn pieces of paper, just paper, looked up at me and said “So who is the true believer now?” As I wrestled in my mind I grabbed the papers and put them in my pocket. God was not going to leave me alone.
I went home and put them in an envelope and kept them. We traveled to Lubbock that summer and I and took the envelope with me. I took my sons and nephew with me to a cemetery outside of town where after six years maybe some peace would come to me. I took them and we found his grave. To be honest I didn’t know what I was going to do with the scorecard. I stood looking at the grave thinking I’ve got to let this go or it will always be a part of my life. A part of my life I did not want to have anymore. I twisted the flower part off the headstone and found a hole big enough to stuff the scorecard. As I put the paper into the hole my sons walked up and looked at me like I was crazy. They were too young to understand then, but we’ve talked and they have grown to understand the crazy that runs through their father’s head.
As I put the paper in I prayed and asked God to forgive me for the hate that was in my heart. I then asked him to tell Bill that I had forgiven him and that he no longer held any sway on who I would become. I walked away from that grave with a heart that was five tons lighter. I was also amazed at what God could do with a heart that didn’t hold a grudge and hate. I’m not saying this is easy or painless. I’m saying it is necessary if we are going to move forward with our lives. Keeping score may help you win at Clue, but it will definitely make you a loser in life. Forgiveness is more about you and less about them. The person you set free is yourself.