Saying Goodbye to Why

With my job comes a responsibility that is not very fun.  I have to sit with families that have to say goodbye to someone they love.  Funerals and memorials are a part of my life.  In the last 23 years I have helped over 300 families on their worst day.  I have done funerals for 8th month twins who never made their due date to 90 year olds who saw so many sunrises.  The ages have been scattered all over the spectrum and it has been a tough responsibility to take care of these families at the darkest hours. 

The toughest ones are those taken too quickly or when they have take their own life.  A couple of weeks ago I had 4 funerals in one week.  One of them was a good friend from church who would have been 90 a few months after he died.  One of them was an accidental death and two of them committed suicide.  To have to perform the memorial for a 26 and 20 year old that have taken their own lives can make you question why you ever got into this work. 

I found myself there this last week.  As I sat with the families of these two “kids”, more than once I heard a family member say they did not understand why this happened.  It is a loaded question for all of us.  It is a question that can haunt us forever and keep us from having peace in our lives.  It is a question I’ve asked myself when I’ve helped families, my own sons, say goodbye to loved ones.  Why did they make this choice?  Why did they not see another end to their story?  Why? Why? Why?  It is as haunting as a three year old that keeps asking why.

As I sat with a father and brother who looked and said “I just don’t understand why this had to happen?”,  a thought hit me.  As I talked with a friend of a young man who took his life, he asked the same question: “Why did this happen?”  It was the same question that I thought when I got the phone call that he had killed himself.  When I was talking to them,  that is when a thought came to my heart.

If we knew the answer to the question, why would it really change anything for us?  Would their “why” be enough for us to simply agree with their choice?  I seriously doubt that it would.  Their “why” would still baffle us, and we would have a million reasons to try to make them think a different way.  That is the problem with “Why”.  Maybe we can take a minute and look at the question.

Sometimes we ask why because of our own guilt

It seems strange but when one of my son’s friends who was 21 took his life, the first thing I asked myself was “Why didn’t I do something?”  I had not seen the man since his graduation and yet there I was wondering what I could have done to prevent his death.  That is the pain that is left when someone takes their own life.  The people who loved them feel this guilt about not seeing “signs” of their despair and hurt.  The problem is that many times there is nothing we could have done to stop their choice.  The truth is that once a decision is made it is made. 

Sometimes we ask why because we are looking for a reason

The thing about knowing someone’s “why” will not give us any peace or the ability to move forward.   The reason they chose to end their life makes no sense most of the time.  When we hear their reason, we think “It was not that bad or big that we couldn’t get through it.”  But we need to realize that their “why” can never match our “why”.  We do not know the pain or depth of depression that lies within another person, no matter if we truly are close to them and know them.  I’ve heard too many people talk about the shock of the choice that was made, to know that we truly don’t know each other.  We can look each other in the eye and truly not know what the heart and mind are going through.  That is why I always treat others with kindness and love.  I do not know where their life is at that moment.  We cannot ever truly understand someone else’s “why”.

Sometimes we ask why because we are angry with God

I know what you are saying, “Hey Teague, pump the brakes!!!”  Angry with God?  Can that be safe for anyone?  I grew up in churches that did not allow for questions.  Just do what the pastor and God said (and the order was up for debate at times) and you would be fine.  We were taught to never question what was going on or what God was doing in our lives.  If you read the stories from the Bible though, there are questions throughout it.  The book of Psalms is riddled with David looking at God for an explanation at times.  We just don’t like to think that you can question God.  One time after I prayed with a man from my church who was dying of cancer, I asked God, well sort of told Him, that I didn’t like where this was headed.  No lightning struck me but I think God looked and thought finally someone is willing to push me on someone else’s behalf.  It is that why question that drive us into a deeper relationship with God.  I believe God leans into our questions. 

Anger is sometimes the great truth teller.  I will say things in anger that have hibernated for years.  Just ask my family what they have to say about that.  We need to understand that our most honest moments come when we are emotionally invested in a situation.  If you don’t give a crap, then does it really matter?  Nope. It doesn’t matter if you don’t care at a heart level.  So this why with God is a heartfelt feeling that maybe God could be doing better.  Well, guess I’ll pay the price but I want you to know God doesn’t quake when we ask Him why.  He just wants us to move past it to what is next.

So, if “why” is not the question we should ask at times like this, what is?  I believe it is “HOW?”  But we will talk about that next week.